sodade sem fim

As férias

E foi assim. Eles foram-se todos embora, e eu fiquei aqui. Durante uma semana tive a sensação estúpida de estar de férias, foi exactamente como estar de férias, a única coisa que faltava era irmos à praia. O Reuben ainda sugeriu que fôssemos, estava bom tempo (mais de 20 graus), mas lancei-lhe um olhar desdenhoso como resposta. Ao olhar desdenhoso seguiu-se um sorriso e uma desculpa esfarrapada: o rapaz não tem de facto culpa de eu ser uma criatura mimada no que toca a praias. A praia na Holanda é NOJENTA, recuso-me terminantemente a pôr os meus pezinhos na areia castanha e no mar castanho, NEM C'A VACA TUSSA, só em caso de extrema necessidade, umas duas vezes por ano, quando, por razões quasi-médicas, PRECISO de ver o mar.

Acordava, e eles estavam cá. Ao fim de dois dias, já era perfeitamente natural tê-los cá. Saíamos, passeávamos, voltávamos para casa, fazíamos comida, bebíamos e fumávamos juntos. Uma noite arrastámo-nos até a um clube de snooker aqui perto, um sitio fílmico. Jogámos um jogo muito mau e bebemos mais cervejas. Só faltava uma partidinha de King! Mas éramos só três...
Comecei a preocupar-me com pintar as unhas e vestir roupa "gira". Pôr rímel nos olhos. Desencantar as pulseiras das caixas. Tudo para fazer parelha com a Joana, duma forma que ressoava a chamadas telefónicas de há quinze anos : "se levares a mini-saia, eu também levo". Ao que parece, as mulheres vestem-se para as outras mulheres, não para os homens.

Não interessa onde estamos, no Stedelijk Museum ou na Praia da Cerca Nova. A comer risotto de cogumelos ou carapaus assados. É sempre magnifico.

E agora?
Agora é fazer render o amor.
E voltar ao trabalho. À invenção do trabalho. Porra de vida de artista.

O meu gatinho

O meu gatinho morreu na sexta-feira. Tinha 16 anos.

- Nao acredito no Paraíso, mas espero que haja um para os gatos.

Letter to B II

Dear B,
"It’s surprising to hear u denying the Islamic threats, preaching and danger, several days after British Muslims tried to massacre thousands and were pre-empted.
And not to remind u the subway bombing. And the preaching in the mosques."

First: I am not denying it. I am convinced it exists. That was not what I meant. I was only telling you that the photos where suspicious, the way they were made. And not only the photos themselves, but the expressed wish in the email to "spread them". To "warn" people through email. I will not do it. I am not going to be a link in the fear chain.

“I have several Jewish friends from London. They told me about being Jewish there. Hiding their religion. The threats. Remarks. Bullying. Terror. U probably never heard of those thing while ur living there.”

Second: About being bullied in London: that's really not to be surprised. I was constantly bullied in London. Because of my accent, because of my looks. English people are the most racist and arrogant people in Europe. A guy attacked me on the street because I was speaking Portuguese with a friend. He thought we "fucking emigrants" should speak only English. I worked six months on an English architecture office. My boss, and English woman, never spoke directly to me. My only friends at the office (about 40 people working there) were a Spanish girl, a Welsh and Irish men. I felt it all the time, everywhere, this aggression. Just because I am from southern Europe...

I still feel it sometimes in "good & civilized" Holland. My brother and sister were bullied also in Switzerland. Because we're Portuguese, poor, dark-haired, undisciplined, short, we smell of garlic... you name it. We're also Caucasian, Christian, educated, friendly and have exceptionally good taste for clothing, but that's apparently not enough! All that is different is persecuted.

“They want school and food? The facts regarding their expenses say differently”

Third: Statistics about Syria: apparently they are not to be found. It's very difficult to know what is really happening there, or even what people really think, as the government does not allow the real numbers to come through. What I was telling you about how they think and what do they want, comes from my direct experience with Syrian people, and Jordan people alike. Families we travelled with, shop owners, hotel owners, people in the market, Bedouins in the desert, fancy youth in expensive bars. People from all over: native Jordanians and Syrians, Palestinians, Algerians, Iraqis, Lebanese, Bedouins, Iranians, American-Jordanians and western foreigners living there too. It's amazing the amount of people you end up meeting in such trips! (you know, you've been backpacking quite some time too...) They are not the all population, of course, but they are some of them. And no numbers speak for them.

I think the main thing is that I think of Israel as a western country. And that's maybe true, if it wasn't for it's geographic situation. On the other hand, I do understand, I have even experienced it myself, that the Middle East is not a western region. Western thoughts and views on "right and wrong" cannot be directly applied. I would expect from Israelis though a bit more insight and intelligence in the way you deal with this conflict, as you are more educated, richer, better prepared, better defended and better represented. Do you really think you will totally destroy your enemies? That strength is the answer? For every Hamas or Hezbollah guy you kill, ten more are born. And that's exactly how Arab Countries think too: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth...
Specially the Iranian view on the matters: destruction of Israel, period. I find Al-Qaeda's extremist wishes especially interesting: the recuperation of the original Islamic caliphate: Portugal, Spain and south of France included. Wouldn't that be just "wonderful"?! I'm dying to wear my burka!

I hear only extremist approaches. And fear. And death happening everyday. It does not sound like it's going to stop. Though everybody wants peace, we keep on voting for violence. Arabs that I spoke with in Syria, shrouded their shoulders and said: "What can we do?" That's what keeps people from taking action. I am a revolution child. I know the power of people. It amazes me when people themselves do not recognize it. Violence will keep people blind and obedient. Also in Israel.

Anyway, dear, it's enough. I think we should discuss this face to face. Just come to visit me. I'll make some kosher risotto and kosher chocolate mousse (no shrimps included). Then we can talk about this all issue with property...

Hug,
Marta

Letter to B

Dear B,
thank you for the pictures about the Muslim demonstration in London. I took a careful look at them. It stroke me that the handwriting on the banners is basically the same, as if only one, or two persons wrote them. I am not an expert, but I have been in quite a few demonstrations in my life, and saw quite some banners too. Even made a few myself. Here they're all written with the same kind of marker and in the same kind of cardboard... a bit suspicious, I would say.

I am not saying the banners are nor real, and not doubting that the demonstration really happened. What I doubt is the real size and importance of it. I am deeply convinced of the media manipulation in the Middle East affair, and I think we should keep our eyes opened beyond what's served in the "media plate".

I was in Damascus when CNN reported a massive demonstration pro-Hezbollah in the city. I was there and I saw it. There were people burning flags and yelling long live to Nasrallah and so on. There were about 100 people in a big square, heavily covered by the media. The way it appeared in the western news it looked like thousands were getting possessed by an Islamic fury and the all Syrian nation was behind them. That's also the way it appeared in Syrian news. The media feeds fear to both sides, so we can all be very afraid of each other, keep our pro-war governments in place and support dictatorships in the middle east to "keep control" over those "fanatics". It also shows to repressed people in these countries that their governments are "strong" and that Allah will protect them (as nobody else does).

I was in the souq in Damascus a couple of times. Each time there where new banners crossed over the main alley. They explained, in Arabic, English and French how Allah would give the brave warriors (Hezbollah) victory, and how the Arabic nations were superior to the rest of the world. You could buy in any corner yellow Hezbollah flags, Nasrallah t-shirts, Jihad posters, you name it.

It was weird to be a western there and then. TV showed all day long dead children in Lebanon. Nasrallah held speeches of an hour and more on prime time. Bashar kept quiet all the time, so nobody knew what he was preparing. We were followed and checked upon a few times by secret police. They were not discreet at all.

Nevertheless, we were welcome by everyone. In houses, in shops, in public transports. People were warm, and interested. When we spoke about the war, no one was rejoicing with it. People were really worried and very afraid. When in privacy, we managed to have a couple of good conversations with some. We learned first-hand about the conditions in jails and how easy it is to get caught and tortured. It's no secret that Assad bombarded his own people in 1982 in Hama, and killed 20.000 of them as retaliation to an attempted coup d'etat. Just a "small" example of politics in Syria...

People are repressed in every way possible. Politically, sexually, culturally. They can't say what they think. This applies also to Jordan, with their so-called "beloved" king. It's also a dictatorship, one can't say anything against the government. It's maybe "softer", but it's the same shit. Did you see the news about the British tourist that was shot in Amman last week? We were exactly in the same spot a month ago. It could have happened to us. Did you also read that the killer was immediately caught by passers by? That locals were shocked? People don't want this. People want peace, and food, and that their kids go to school.

I don't intend to say that I know how it is to live in Israel or in the Middle East at all. I was there three weeks of my life, you are born there. It's obviously not the same. What I like to ask you is if you really think that spreading these photos on the Internet helps anyone. Were you there in London? Do you really know what happened? I have good friends living in London. I myself lived there for a while. Is all London like this? Muslims in the street proclaiming my death? No, I daresay.

I do not have to be convinced of the need to stop terrorist attacks in the region and in the world. I think it's completely insane to have to live in such conditions. I just don't think that more violence will help, and these photos are a form of violence too.

The Middle East conflict is a horrible tribal affair. It's from the middle ages. The way people communicate there goes back to stone age! There's no common goal. People are so worried proving that they are right that they forget what the fight is all about. I don't see much hope in the region if it goes on like this.

First day I came back to Amsterdam I met my friend A., an Israeli. She's not only my best friend in Holland, she's my partner, and we have a foundation together. I told her in three sentences what I thought of the conflict and how it could be solved. Border discussion and agreements, both side acceptance, integration of the populations. I was so angry, felt so powerless that I became quite aggressive "Why don't they just DO IT, A.?" She smiled. She said, "I know how you feel. You just fell in love with the region, and you can't understand why it has to be this way. Welcome to the club!"

Dear, don't get me wrong. I don't want to preach on you. You were there, fighting this people that hide behind children. I know nothing about that sort of thing. I am a lucky devil. But I thought you deserved my honest opinion on this.

Big hug,
Marta